hello you person.

What ever happened to the days when Marilyn Manson was considered the spawn of Satan? And him and the poorly rendered red pixels in Doom were responsible for two boys shooting up a high school.

Sigh… those were the days. Well, no I don’t mean it like THAT. All I’m saying is that in the last 10 years the amount of sexuality and ultraviolence projected into our heads (and the children think of the children people lol) has increased substantially. Mortal Kombat (whose success can only be attributed to the use of a ‘K’ in the word ‘combat’… Limp Bizkit anyone?) looks absolutely tame compared to the blood sprayed about in modern games (check out Manhunt). Honestly most of today’s M-rated games would have been banned if they came out in 1993 and maybe some T-rated ones.

I don’t watch CSI or any of those other gory TV shows. However, I like horror movies and I’ve seen 4 of 5 saw movies. I go to the movie theater and watch TV for much different purposes. If I’m going to see a movie like “Drag Me to Hell” I’m going in for the purpose of seeing some spooky specters and am mentally prepared for this. But I am more of a casual TV viewer and like to watch TV to relax. I want to watch mindless syndicated sitcoms and laugh at their recycled jokes. So it just kills my whole vibe when I’m flipping channels and come across some pale dead woman lying on a table, mouth agape, with cuts and strangulation marks (probably raped at some point). I want to see good clean fun like The Andy Griffith Show and Leave it to Beaver come back to primetime. Well, LITB probably needs a name change (on account of the slang these days) and the whole “subservient wife” in this nuclear family is no longer politically correct… which is sure to provide some laughs (this is evidenced by Mad TV’s “Leave it to Blink-182” sketch).

Back to my favorite M&M named celebrity(besides Marilyn Monroe, Mickey Mouse, and anyone else with an M&M name). Marilyn Manson has a new song called “Pretty Like a Swastika”… ok this guy is just trying too hard now. I assume he’s talking about the symbol the Nazi’s adopted from the Aryan’s and not any of the similar symbols used throughout the world prior to receiving the “red band treatment”. See? That’s why as parents you should hug your little boys & girls more. Because if you don’t, when they grow up… they are going to wear creepy contact lenses.

Well, this concludes another unfocused blog. Thanks for sticking with me person who is reading this sentence.

Yesterday, was a lazy Sunday (other than my bike ride through the forest). So I lounged around strumming my 6-string (6-string = “guitar” for those of you not familiar with the lingo the kids use with these days). I was singing an original composition in which I want to sing loudly at  pitches slightly out of my range.

Ok, let’s try something right now. Make sure you are alone (or if you are not alone make sure you are only around people whose opinions you don’t care about). Now quietly sing “laaa” near the top of your range. Now belt out the same “LAAAA” as loud as you can. What does it sound like? It sounds like crap. And your voice probably cracked like pre-pubescent boy.

However on this occasion I made my “LAAA” sound like I was friggin [insert name of famous opera singer here]. I had recalled advice from a singing lesson CD my dad had bought. It had suggested that rather than singing “on your vocal chords” you sing “on the mask of your face”. It sounds stupid, but you sort of just project the sound into your sinuses or something and it resonates… or something.

My singing now sounds 20% less strained and nasally! (but 5% more effeminate)

Hey girl! Wanna go for a ride?

Ahh the beer scooter. The best $400 you’ll ever spend. I’d love to travel cross-country on this 13 mph-capable beast, spreading happiness and brewskys wherever I went. However, I’d have to equip it with a heavy duty battery so I could last more than 15 miles per charge.

AHHH AHH OoH! Mail for you!

Words cannot describe how much I love this Mail Chimp’s logo. I mean… a monkey… delivering mail… that is brilliant… that is hysterical. It doesn’t matter what kind of company you are… you NEED a monkey as your mascot or present in your logo. You CANNOT command the respect of the marketplace without one. I mean liquor brands, day spas, dentists, power tools, politicians… they all need a monkey present somewhere in their marketing efforts.

hmmm....

If only everyone was as immature as me. Then and only then will they see the error in their ways.

First- Time Magazine Next- SI Swimsuit Issue

I just launched a site where you can edit/skew quotations from famous people to humorous effect. It’s called Quote dotdotdot and I think it would behoove you to check it out.